Saturday, February 7, 2009

The Padded Bra Story

So, yeah. In 7th grade my "bosom" was more Great Plains  

than Sierra Nevadas. 

I'd been visited by the pimple fairy, the curvy hips fairy, the that-time-of-the-month fairy, the BO fairy, the hairy armpits fairy, but not the boob fairy. And I had PE every day. With boys. Boys with opinions. Boys with loud, obnoxious opinions. About girls. And their boobs or not-so boobs.

So one day I was up in my grandmother's attic, poking around all her old clothes. She'd gone to fashion design school and had tons of cool shoes, handbags, and amazing clothes. 

I opened a drawer full of lacy underthings--silky slips, weird pantyhose with hooks and straps and stuff, and bras I could only dream of wearing (the boob fairy loved my grandma). But at the bottom of the drawer was a thick padded bra. It was kind of old, maybe a tad musty, but, hey, instant cleavage!

I whipped off my shirt and put it on. Wow! I looked amazing. I couldn't wait to show up for school on Monday with my new, improved figure. Yeah, I know, I didn't quite think the whole thing through. Flat on Friday, mounds on Monday...

So, I'm in PE--with all those boys, but I'm feeling pretty good in my snuggish white shirt and baggy blue shorts. And we're on the gym floor in rows doing push-ups. I hated pushups. I hate pushups even more now, but anyway...

The laughter. Big huge guffaw-ha-ha-ha-ha's. From those boys. It took me a few more pushups to clue into the whole, the laughter is coming from behind you, thing.

After all, I had boobs now. Yeah, boobs. Flapping against my sides. My ancient, hook-in-the-front, padded bra had come undone!

"Look! She's wearing a padded bra!" one of the louder, more obnoxious, but, yeah, cuter guys yelled.

I'll just let you imagine the humiliation of trying to re-hook an ancient padded bra while everyone else is moving on to sit-ups. And the boys (and plenty of girls) are still laughing. And the teacher is all, "Sydney, is there a problem?"

Yeah there's a problem!

So the boob fairy did eventually visit. But why couldn't she have come before I found that blippety-blippin' padded bra?